Twisted Christmas

When I’m away at school, I never listen to the radio. It’s not like I don’t want to; I just don’t have the means of actually listening to a station due to my lacking of how to work the stereo in my dorm room. I’d rather not go through the trouble of deciphering channels. Needless to say, it came as a bit of a culture shock the last time I visited my parents at home to find certain stations blaring Christmas songs on a twenty four hour, seven day basis beginning in October. After having the Christmas Channel programmed in my car for two days, I already got sick of the endless repetition of ‘Feliz Navidad’ and the eighteen compilations of Lite Pop Christmas. This horrific discovery got me to thinking; do people actually like this sort of music being drilled into his or her head during the end months of the year, or do they feel like they have to listen for nostalgia effect?

For most people, the answer depends on the type of music he or she likes. I could imagine more pop and R&B listeners enjoying the yuletide cheer more so than heavy metal and rap fans. However, there are a few songs that clearly fall within either the Kill Me With a Yule Log or Christmas Bliss categories.

The perfect song that would fit in within the Kill Me With a Yule Log category would have to be at least two of the following traits:

• Extremely overplayed
• Gag-inducing clichéd
• Brings you back to bad memories of your childhood
• Slightly depressing

While this may seem like a controversial choice, the one song that stands out as fitting all of these qualities would be John Lennon’s ‘Merry Christmas (War Is Over)’. Being innovative back when it was released in the 1970’s, this song has grown old and weary, and also doesn’t fit the realist outlook that most hold today. While peace would be great to obtain, we have accepted that the world is not a perfect place, and one song will not change that. Also, having the children sing near the end in a ‘We Are The World’ moment is nauseatingly sweet. Having this song blare at least twice a day and having my father declare it the Best Christmas Song Ever decided Lennon’s untimely fate in my head.

Other songs that would fall into my listed traits include ‘Silent Night’, ‘Silver Bells’, ‘Jingle Bells’, ‘Deck The Halls’, and any Christmas song sung by Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston or any of the other powerful belters and wailers.

Of course, I’m not a stickler against ALL Christmas songs. That would be terrible of me, no? Personally, I prefer Christmas songs that are either extremely catchy or timeless, or both. The song that I most identify with in terms of fitting both criteria is ‘Christmas in Hollis’ by Run DMC. When released in the late 1980’s, Run DMC’s modern Christmas carol is unlike anything that has been released prior. Singing about how the members’ families have a laid-back Christmas with collard greens and macaroni and cheese, and how they chill with Frosty and Santa, the boys are clearly going to take advantage of enjoying the holiday with no worries or regrets. Throw in the sounds of jingle bells combined with turntable riffs and you have a newfound classic that should be overplayed, even after Christmastime is long gone.

Other songs that have similar effects on me would be ‘Christmas Wrapping’ by the Waitresses, ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham! (How can you resist George Michael whispering Happy Christmas), any Christmas tune sung by Dean Martin and the Rat Pack, any song featured in the Claymation classic Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, and my favorite guilty pleasure Christmas song, ‘Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays’ by N*Sync.

As I look back on all of the Christmas music I have listened to during my lifetime, I have come to realize that a good chunk of them aren’t that bad. I wouldn’t mind listening to a loop of that on the grotesquely cheesy Christmas channel in my car. I’m sure most people wouldn’t mind listening to a good loop of Christmas music either (although I bet they would want the boy bands of the late 90’s to not be included within that mix). As long as people are saved from listening to yet another rendition of Mariah Carey’s ‘Joy to the World’, all would be well in the world.

Life After Graduation

Kanye West is back in the industry spotlight a little more than a year after he released his critically praised album, Graduation. On November 25^th, his new album, 808s and Heartbreaks, is being released nationwide. Finishing his saga of ‘college-based’ albums, West is ready to grow up and focus on different aspects of his soul. However, West probably was not expecting to grow up so quickly. Within the past year, West broke up with his long-term girlfriend, been arrested for assault, and, most tragically, lost his mother. Judging by the handful of track leaks within the past few weeks, West has clearly been affected.

Kanye’s first single, Love Lockdown, has set the tone for what appears to be more serious times for the artist. Probably being influenced by the end of his relationship, Kanye puts his heart on his sleeve for the first time in a single. Personal lyrics such as, “I know I said ‘I'm through’, but I've got love for you/But I'm not loving you the way I wanted to,” and “I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong/And that haunted me all the way home” show that Kanye West is in an extremely vulnerable position with his love, and he cannot control the inevitable. However, he tries to hide this fact by hiding his voice behind an auto-tuner and blaring taiko drums during the chorus. Still, it is apparent that Kanye became a changed man during this time of distress.

The rest of the recent song leaks prove that Kanye West has been hurt in more ways than one could imagine. In his supposed second single, Heartless, West is going in-depth into what could have gone wrong in his relationship. Declaring that she could be so ‘Dr. Evil’ and that they will remain enemies from this day forward, he also proves that he is livid about how he and his lover ended up in the long run. A similar statement is shown in Gold-Digger-esque Robocop, where he compares her to ‘the girl in Misery’ and turning his life ‘to Stephen King’s’.

Finally, the saddest song out of the bunch would be Coldest Winter. Having a close relationship with his mother up until her death, this is clearly the biggest heartbreak out of everything that he has been through within the past year. West has lost a huge influence on his life, and he doesn’t know how to cope without her. Stating how “Its 4 AM and I can’t sleep/Her love is all that I see”, the death is haunting him more than anything else. He has lost a part of him, and he is not sure when he’ll get out of this depression mainly brought about by her death.

Although all of the current leaks show a depressing time for the artist, Kanye West is expected to not disappoint. Kanye will continue to innovate and blow fans’ minds with his lyrical masterpieces. Although, if one should not exponentially appreciate Kanye’s vulnerability and distress, he has already promised to release another album in 2009.

I Kissed a Girl and I Wasn't Thrilled

The Summer of 2008 will probably go down as two things; the Summer of Jailbait, with the ever-growing fame and egos of such teen sensations of the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, and the Summer of Agitated Girl Power. The season started off with a song by Leona Lewis about how she would pull out & cut open her heart and show her boyfriend her ‘bleeding love’, amongst other things. Next comes along a pretty Zooey Deschanal look-alike, Katy Perry, who seems innocent upon first glance. Her attire of modern fifties’ housewife dresses looks angelic enough with her polished good looks and brilliantly applied lipstick, but her ‘pureness’ stops with her physicality. When her pretty little mouth opens to sing, the ugliness of her lyrics pour out.

The origins of this seemingly young soul make her a quirky character, and might explain why America is falling into a strange puppy love with her. Growing up with two preacher parents, she started off as a Christian artist. This was a short-term career, since she discovered the greatness of Freddie Mercury and decided that she aspired to be like him. Apparently the management over at Capitol Records saw some spunk in her. Capitol honchos felt that Perry would give the charts a new flair, should she ever chart, so she was signed shortly after their newfound discovery. Despite being on a major label, Perry took independent routes to get her music to the public. She released a low-key first single, entitled ‘Ur So Gay’, on the networking site MySpace. From there, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton and pop culture icon Madonna praise her and how she’s going to change the music scene. And then, “I Kissed a Girl” comes out…

Katy Perry explodes as America’s Next Temporary ‘It’ Girl, and it leads to a vast amount of wrong ideals coming from one girl. For example, let’s begin with Perry’s smash single. There is absolutely nothing wrong with kissing girls if you’re a girl, but is it really right to advocate the Slutty Bisexual stereotype? It’s okay to experiment, but when not when one has a boyfriend and he’s not supposed to mind it. That is just being a player, and that is never sexy. If he was a good boyfriend, he would keep that girl satisfied without being tempted by cherry chapstick. At least Jill Sobule had heart when she sang of the same thing over a decade ago. ‘Ur So Gay’ is not much better, and it all begins with the title. Number one: proper grammar is underrated and should be used more often. Number two: ‘gay’ was never an adjective in Webster’s Dictionary, so why can it be used as an adjective now? Use some different terminology! Now that that’s off my chest, let’s get to the immediate conclusion that the lyrics read like a middle schooler’s diary that is trying too hard to be clever. Perry’s song about a pretentious hipster ex-boyfriend is respectably bitter, but it makes her sound oh-so high-and-mighty by the first chorus. H&M scarves are not for hanging, and Mozart is not for jacking off purposes. Abusing those gifts to the world already puts Katy Perry in a bad position. If she wants a real man in her life, stick with dating Travis McCoy. I must mention one final note about a more obscure song on the album. The song ‘Mannequin’ reminds me of that horribly awesome Andrew McCarthy/Kim Cattrall movie from the 1980s, except the genders are switched in the song, and the movie was executed slightly better.

The sad matter of the fact is, her waste of airtime is preventing more talented artists to make their big break and bask in their moment of musical glory. The amount of unknown female gems in the music business is vast, and it is a shame that more people do not give them the recognition that they deserve. While America may be so used to popular culture that they tend to overlook unique new sounds, the best musical discoveries are found outside crunk rap and badly addicting pop. Often times, they tend to last a lot longer than what appears on the charts. A majority of chart-toppers are forgotten about after their breakthrough single. In short, Katy Perry should not be considered the voice of any kind of group. She does not make herself look good by bitterly singing her angry diary, but she is earning her paychecks with her vengeful songs and cute little dresses and high heels.

So, enjoy the undeserved Number One slot on Billboard, Katy. She will probably be kicked off by one of the other voices of our time, Lil’ Wayne or the Pussycat Dolls, and will eventually disappear within Warped Tour oblivion and pop obscurity.